anarchy and social graces
A few years ago I made a decision not to reciprocate "how are you?" with "fine, how are you?" or "how's it going?" with "good, you?"
...I realized I didn't actually care (and neither did the person asking, in general), and so I hated the rote-ness of the whole social norm. So I stopped doing it.
So people ask such things now and I say, "I did have a good weekend, yes, thanks," or, "I'm doing well," and that's it.
Well, I've begun to think this stratagy may have backfired somewhat: I think I actually tend to talk about me a lot now, and generally don't bother asking anyone - friends included - about them or their lives... so what's happened is that in some small way I've actually stopped caring quite as much about other people and what's going on with them; my insistence on not following normal social etiquette has actually affected how I think and feel. So I realized this recently and am trying to make amends.
When typing this to a friend today, I realized there's another very similar thing that I made a decision about within about the last year:
...it was a decision about meals with family and friends: I noticed that no one eats the last potato or sprout or piece of chicken at the end of a meal, because the social norm is that everyone expects someone else to take it. So I decided I'd be that person. At first I tried offering it to everyone else first, but with virtually always the same result: "no, you go ahead," or "it's yours," or "thanks, I'm stuffed." So now I just wait till all the plates are empty, see if anyone else reaches for the last bit, and then take it on myself to be the eater whom everyone else expects to polish things off.
So far I haven't really run into any ill-effects with this the same way I did with greetings, but I suppose they might still be coming... I'll letcha know.
...I realized I didn't actually care (and neither did the person asking, in general), and so I hated the rote-ness of the whole social norm. So I stopped doing it.
So people ask such things now and I say, "I did have a good weekend, yes, thanks," or, "I'm doing well," and that's it.
Well, I've begun to think this stratagy may have backfired somewhat: I think I actually tend to talk about me a lot now, and generally don't bother asking anyone - friends included - about them or their lives... so what's happened is that in some small way I've actually stopped caring quite as much about other people and what's going on with them; my insistence on not following normal social etiquette has actually affected how I think and feel. So I realized this recently and am trying to make amends.
When typing this to a friend today, I realized there's another very similar thing that I made a decision about within about the last year:
...it was a decision about meals with family and friends: I noticed that no one eats the last potato or sprout or piece of chicken at the end of a meal, because the social norm is that everyone expects someone else to take it. So I decided I'd be that person. At first I tried offering it to everyone else first, but with virtually always the same result: "no, you go ahead," or "it's yours," or "thanks, I'm stuffed." So now I just wait till all the plates are empty, see if anyone else reaches for the last bit, and then take it on myself to be the eater whom everyone else expects to polish things off.
So far I haven't really run into any ill-effects with this the same way I did with greetings, but I suppose they might still be coming... I'll letcha know.
posted by BT at 9:41 AM
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