smoke and mirrors
When I was in college, I was a fairly different person than I am now. I feel like I made a lot of really bad decisions, though that's probably too thick a brush with which to paint all of that time.
But specifically, there was a time when my actions led to some major fallout in my social circle, and in fact there were even some people who made schooling /career changes because of what happened. It was bad. Very dark, and very bad. I felt awful about it for a long time, and in retrospect can see how I should have dealt with everything vs. the way I actually did. What I did at the time was fuelled almost entirely by guilt and shame, and like a puppy in housetraining, I tried to cover my shit up the best way I could think of. Now, I realize, the best thing would have been to embrace the shit, learn from it, and move in a new direction.
But so, just very recently, one of the people who suffered from this fallout the most got in touch with me by email (ah the wonders of Google), and I was finally able to apologize. I didn't know what would happen, whether this person would stomp all over me, whether I'd be ridiculed, or what, but in fact what has happaned is the reparation - I'd even dare to use the word "redemption" - of the friendship. It's been a long time, granted (6 years? 7?), so time has had a chance to mend things a bit, but I cannot tell you what this has done to my paradigm! I really see that period now as something quite different somehow, and certainly the relationships I had then look quite different in this new light.
Once, when I was - ermn - under the influence a particularly noxious substance, I actually saw all these relationships for what they were. And I recorded what I suddenly "knew" with a friend, right then and there. I have that recording somewhere... I should include it in the background of a song at some point. But it was like I could suddenly cut through all the layers of personal and social barriers and see the truth for what it was... see exactly who people were at their core. It was completely wild.
But what's wilder is that now, very slowly over time, I'm beginning to learn those things as one normally would... plodding slowly through each stage - rather than throwing open the back door to reveal everything - so that I'm beginning to sense that what might have just been an altered-state illusion was in fact really the truth of things.
But specifically, there was a time when my actions led to some major fallout in my social circle, and in fact there were even some people who made schooling /career changes because of what happened. It was bad. Very dark, and very bad. I felt awful about it for a long time, and in retrospect can see how I should have dealt with everything vs. the way I actually did. What I did at the time was fuelled almost entirely by guilt and shame, and like a puppy in housetraining, I tried to cover my shit up the best way I could think of. Now, I realize, the best thing would have been to embrace the shit, learn from it, and move in a new direction.
But so, just very recently, one of the people who suffered from this fallout the most got in touch with me by email (ah the wonders of Google), and I was finally able to apologize. I didn't know what would happen, whether this person would stomp all over me, whether I'd be ridiculed, or what, but in fact what has happaned is the reparation - I'd even dare to use the word "redemption" - of the friendship. It's been a long time, granted (6 years? 7?), so time has had a chance to mend things a bit, but I cannot tell you what this has done to my paradigm! I really see that period now as something quite different somehow, and certainly the relationships I had then look quite different in this new light.
Once, when I was - ermn - under the influence a particularly noxious substance, I actually saw all these relationships for what they were. And I recorded what I suddenly "knew" with a friend, right then and there. I have that recording somewhere... I should include it in the background of a song at some point. But it was like I could suddenly cut through all the layers of personal and social barriers and see the truth for what it was... see exactly who people were at their core. It was completely wild.
But what's wilder is that now, very slowly over time, I'm beginning to learn those things as one normally would... plodding slowly through each stage - rather than throwing open the back door to reveal everything - so that I'm beginning to sense that what might have just been an altered-state illusion was in fact really the truth of things.
posted by BT at 8:38 AM
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